:'(

Dear Guni,

These few days are really a bad days for me..
Everyday I am in bad mood...
I feel so helpless...
I feel that I have no friend...
I feel that in this world no one love me...
I feel that I am good for nothing..
Everyone hates me...No one understand me....

Ever since i went to Thailand with you the relationship between me and my family are not good...
They feel very upset because i tell lies to them just wanted to Thai with you...
My parents feel disappointed towards me and my brother think that I am a bitch....

10 mths had past my dad still don't talk to me...
My brother still hate me and disrespect me..
My mum... I think she don't love me that much anymore...

I always wonder maybe i really did a very bad thing in my previous life...
That's why I lost both of the things which are important in everyone life...

Am I wrong to love you?
I did pray to god not to let me get back to the class if there are not going to have any ending between me and you...
But I passed the exam and got to go back to that class...
As time goes by the feeling towards you getting stronger till I couldn't even get myself out....
I admit that I am wrong because I lied to my family and stubbornly go to Thailand with you...
I just want to have a good memory before we really fall apart...
Till now i still don't feel regret that I had go to Thailand with you... Never...I never ever going to regret about that....

It this suppose to be a test for me or it just karma?

Every single person in my family they all loved my brother...
No matter what he did they think it is ok...
They said he is teenager...He will change when he become mature...
When I tell my mum that he push me and pull me, my mum will just nag him for a while...
Then my brother will say he push me and pull me is because I show him a bad attitude...
But did he ever talk to me in a nice way? I doubt that...Seriously...
We used to be close to each other...But ever since i went to Thailand he don't respect me anymore...

Am I really wrong? Am I?
But I thought people always say that we should chase our dream...
We should confess to the person that we like?
But why this happen to me?

Now my dad don't talk to me, don't look at me...
My mum adore my brother more..whatever he want they give him, whenever he want them to fetch him they will...even he shout at my mum, my mum won't angry with him for a long time...maybe for 1 or 2 hours only...
My brother no more talking with me...I think he even feel suffocate to stay in the same place with me...

Now i really don't like to stay at home but I couldn't find a job now...
I really really don't want to stay at home..
I feel everyone in family hates me...They only talk with me when they need my help...

Guni, what should I do now?
You ignoring me...
My dad ignoring me...
My bro disrespect me...
My mum don't love me that much anymore...
What had happen to me?
What I should do right now?

Guni, why do I always wish you are beside me when all these happen to me?
I always miss you and think of you when I feel sad...
These few days I keep on dream about you....
What I should do?
What can I do now? :'(

Long-winded

Well it had been a while since my last post.
I been busy finding a job....Ok i am just lazy..

Anyway I went to Thailand again on the past June..
Me and Erjie went to shopping, shopping and shopping..
I don't feel scare when we both went there, as if I am the citizen of Thailand..
I just love that country.. I don't know why..
Is he one of the reason? Perhaps...
LOL

Oh yea we also went to the Grand Palace and Jim Thomson's House...
The place are so gorgeous..So nice...Love it <3
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I finally graduated...
Lalalala~

I got my degree cert and now I am looking for a job..
It is so tough.. Till now I haven't even got any interview yet :(
I want to work so that I can earn money to go shopping and travel around...
It is so bored to stay at home..
Nothing to do and I can't earn money as well...
Arghhhhh...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Time flies~
Everything seem to happen just a blink of eyes...

Last year of July I confessed to you...
October we went to Thailand together...
November we become awkward friend...
December even more awkward...
January we lost contact to each other...
( actually i did talk to him but he is the one who continiously ignore me)
June when i back from Thailand and attend the Graduation Ceremony and I get to meet up with my pal..
Adik, Kor and Andi...
I miss them A LOT...
But at the moment i meet them the first person that come to mind is you again..
KNS...
Well I can't deny that i still miss you...
I thought of you is because I miss the time when we always fooling around and spend the time together....

Now is August,
Next month is my birthday and the following month will be yours birthday...
I wonder can i wish you Happy Birthday?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

These few months you constantly appear in my mind...
Whatever I do, whatever i see and whatever I am thinking you will just pop out in my mind...
Or you just never leave? Anything...

But now when i think of you I don't feel that sad and that emo..
I don't know what kind of feeling is this...
Seriously I am always the person who like to think a lot....
I always get myself in a trouble which I actually created my own with my wild imagination =.=

Few weeks ago, my sista seem to be a bit emo and sad over something..
I know is because of a guy but I don't know which guy as in she never really tell me about her love life and I seldom ask also because I think this is people privacy...

Then i saw her post...
She said,
He is good does not means that he is belong to you...

So the first person that come to my mind is you..
Because is like everyone around me said that you are a good person..
So of course I will thought of you...
And there come a question,
What if you really like my sista and you wanna to be with her?
What should I do?
I thought for a long time and I just couldn't make a chioce between you 2...
So I decided that IF..I mean IF
If you really like my sista and my sista also like you, of course i will send my bless to you two...
People say,
If you love someone you should make the person feel happy even though you might not be the reason.
But maybe I couldn't attend the wedding or meet you two together before i finally get over you...

See crazy right? Just anyhow assuming, imaging, make my own story, what if here what if there...
Seriously when think so much? Even this is true so what? You can't change anything aren't you?
Can't you just live your life happily?
Miss LadyBoy you had been sad and emo for like 1 year plus...Wrinkle coming...Please love yourself ok? No one will love you if you don't even love yourself :)
It is always easy to hard and is so damn hard to do it...

So the conclusion of today is:
I still miss you but I will also live my life happily..
I want you to feel regret by not giving me chance and also feel proud that someone like me once love you :)

Guni, please live your life happily also ok?
I really looking forward for the day that we can be friend again...
I mean best friend... Good night guni <3