:'(

Dear Guni,

These few days are really a bad days for me..
Everyday I am in bad mood...
I feel so helpless...
I feel that I have no friend...
I feel that in this world no one love me...
I feel that I am good for nothing..
Everyone hates me...No one understand me....

Ever since i went to Thailand with you the relationship between me and my family are not good...
They feel very upset because i tell lies to them just wanted to Thai with you...
My parents feel disappointed towards me and my brother think that I am a bitch....

10 mths had past my dad still don't talk to me...
My brother still hate me and disrespect me..
My mum... I think she don't love me that much anymore...

I always wonder maybe i really did a very bad thing in my previous life...
That's why I lost both of the things which are important in everyone life...

Am I wrong to love you?
I did pray to god not to let me get back to the class if there are not going to have any ending between me and you...
But I passed the exam and got to go back to that class...
As time goes by the feeling towards you getting stronger till I couldn't even get myself out....
I admit that I am wrong because I lied to my family and stubbornly go to Thailand with you...
I just want to have a good memory before we really fall apart...
Till now i still don't feel regret that I had go to Thailand with you... Never...I never ever going to regret about that....

It this suppose to be a test for me or it just karma?

Every single person in my family they all loved my brother...
No matter what he did they think it is ok...
They said he is teenager...He will change when he become mature...
When I tell my mum that he push me and pull me, my mum will just nag him for a while...
Then my brother will say he push me and pull me is because I show him a bad attitude...
But did he ever talk to me in a nice way? I doubt that...Seriously...
We used to be close to each other...But ever since i went to Thailand he don't respect me anymore...

Am I really wrong? Am I?
But I thought people always say that we should chase our dream...
We should confess to the person that we like?
But why this happen to me?

Now my dad don't talk to me, don't look at me...
My mum adore my brother more..whatever he want they give him, whenever he want them to fetch him they will...even he shout at my mum, my mum won't angry with him for a long time...maybe for 1 or 2 hours only...
My brother no more talking with me...I think he even feel suffocate to stay in the same place with me...

Now i really don't like to stay at home but I couldn't find a job now...
I really really don't want to stay at home..
I feel everyone in family hates me...They only talk with me when they need my help...

Guni, what should I do now?
You ignoring me...
My dad ignoring me...
My bro disrespect me...
My mum don't love me that much anymore...
What had happen to me?
What I should do right now?

Guni, why do I always wish you are beside me when all these happen to me?
I always miss you and think of you when I feel sad...
These few days I keep on dream about you....
What I should do?
What can I do now? :'(

Long-winded

Well it had been a while since my last post.
I been busy finding a job....Ok i am just lazy..

Anyway I went to Thailand again on the past June..
Me and Erjie went to shopping, shopping and shopping..
I don't feel scare when we both went there, as if I am the citizen of Thailand..
I just love that country.. I don't know why..
Is he one of the reason? Perhaps...
LOL

Oh yea we also went to the Grand Palace and Jim Thomson's House...
The place are so gorgeous..So nice...Love it <3
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I finally graduated...
Lalalala~

I got my degree cert and now I am looking for a job..
It is so tough.. Till now I haven't even got any interview yet :(
I want to work so that I can earn money to go shopping and travel around...
It is so bored to stay at home..
Nothing to do and I can't earn money as well...
Arghhhhh...

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Time flies~
Everything seem to happen just a blink of eyes...

Last year of July I confessed to you...
October we went to Thailand together...
November we become awkward friend...
December even more awkward...
January we lost contact to each other...
( actually i did talk to him but he is the one who continiously ignore me)
June when i back from Thailand and attend the Graduation Ceremony and I get to meet up with my pal..
Adik, Kor and Andi...
I miss them A LOT...
But at the moment i meet them the first person that come to mind is you again..
KNS...
Well I can't deny that i still miss you...
I thought of you is because I miss the time when we always fooling around and spend the time together....

Now is August,
Next month is my birthday and the following month will be yours birthday...
I wonder can i wish you Happy Birthday?
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These few months you constantly appear in my mind...
Whatever I do, whatever i see and whatever I am thinking you will just pop out in my mind...
Or you just never leave? Anything...

But now when i think of you I don't feel that sad and that emo..
I don't know what kind of feeling is this...
Seriously I am always the person who like to think a lot....
I always get myself in a trouble which I actually created my own with my wild imagination =.=

Few weeks ago, my sista seem to be a bit emo and sad over something..
I know is because of a guy but I don't know which guy as in she never really tell me about her love life and I seldom ask also because I think this is people privacy...

Then i saw her post...
She said,
He is good does not means that he is belong to you...

So the first person that come to my mind is you..
Because is like everyone around me said that you are a good person..
So of course I will thought of you...
And there come a question,
What if you really like my sista and you wanna to be with her?
What should I do?
I thought for a long time and I just couldn't make a chioce between you 2...
So I decided that IF..I mean IF
If you really like my sista and my sista also like you, of course i will send my bless to you two...
People say,
If you love someone you should make the person feel happy even though you might not be the reason.
But maybe I couldn't attend the wedding or meet you two together before i finally get over you...

See crazy right? Just anyhow assuming, imaging, make my own story, what if here what if there...
Seriously when think so much? Even this is true so what? You can't change anything aren't you?
Can't you just live your life happily?
Miss LadyBoy you had been sad and emo for like 1 year plus...Wrinkle coming...Please love yourself ok? No one will love you if you don't even love yourself :)
It is always easy to hard and is so damn hard to do it...

So the conclusion of today is:
I still miss you but I will also live my life happily..
I want you to feel regret by not giving me chance and also feel proud that someone like me once love you :)

Guni, please live your life happily also ok?
I really looking forward for the day that we can be friend again...
I mean best friend... Good night guni <3

Still....

It had already past 5 mths and 2 weeks..

During this period I keep changing myself..

To impress you? To impress myself or just to make me feel better?

I totally have no idea of it..

I keep remind myself and tell myself that all I did this is to make myself better and make you regret for not giving me a chance..

But what is the actual reason? Myself don’t even know now..

I am really changing..everyone notice that..

Now I become more feminine? Or I just want to use make up to hide my real emotion?

Some say I become more mature because I start to make up when I go out..

I start to buy more dress.. I start to care more abt my outfit and look..

Some say I become more 38 already because I started to make up and dress nicely..

Some asking me am I trying to impress any guy?

Some ask am I in any relationship now?

I don’t know how to answer... seriously I hope to know the answer too..

What I am doing? And why am I doing this?

Nowadays when I look into the mirror I always wonder who is this?

Why can’t I be like the past go out without make up, without perfume by just applying sun block?

  

What’s the use when I start to open my mind and accept more challenges but I close my heart from accepting anyone?

I don’t share with anyone now.. I don’t talk to jiejie..i don’t talk to erjie..

Not that I don’t wanted to share..

Is because I really don’t know what to tell..

Everyone hope I could get through..

Everyone hope I should just give up..

I hope not to disappoint them..

I know..i really know I should do that..

I know he have no love interest on me..

I know he don’t like me..

I know..i seriously know everything..so pls stop reminding me..pls stop..

I try not to see your photo..

I try not to view your profile...

I try not to talk to you..

I try not to concern abt you..

I try to talk abt you casually like I have nvr fall in love with you before..

I try to do everything which can help not to think abt you..

I even try to tell myself that you are a f*cking bastard, you are a bad guy..

I almost success..i really almost success by doing this..

But Guni I miss you..i still love you..

I am sorry I am really sorry

Now the only thing that I can do is to..

Keep pretending that I had already gone through even though you still deep inside my heart..

I will keep pretending until the day when I really get over you..

I nvr regret loving you..

I nvr regret for what I had done..

I take it as a lesson..

This is a very precious lesson that you had taught me..

I hope to see you in the future..

By the time I hope you will still remember me..

Hope we can still be like the past..

The past which I haven’t fall in love with you..

The past when bh and hl are good friend and always trust each other J

I really that this day will come..

Pls help me

Busy week

What a busy week~

After most of you had went back to your own country,

I started my part time job again…

I worked everyday more than 10 hours…so tiring L

The reasons that I wanted to work on everyday is because that I need moneyyyyy…LOL

The other reason is I want to make my mind don’t have any extra time to wondering about any other things…

I have a scary habit which is

Once I have free time I will make out lots of different scenario on my mind and this will make me wondering around…

And by doing this my emo wave will come back…

Therefore to avoid this I need to be busy…go away emo wave haha :p

Hmm you had been back to your hometown for 1 week plus…

We nvr talk much in this week because you always online at the timing which I am working…

So I can’t really chat with you…but is ok I think you also quite busy over your own stuff J

Say I don’t miss you after you went back? There is definitely a lie…of course I miss you but this time is missing a friend just like I also miss all those friends who already back to their hometown…

I think this is really one of the methods…hope we doing the right thing…

So please promise me ok?

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I am scare right now and helpless also…

I don’t know what I should do after this…

I don’t want to work at my part time job anymore…

It not just tiring and the pay also VERY LOW…

I want to find job but what should I do?

What I should work as?

IT job? Management? What else?

Totally have no idea L

I really need to sit down one day and think carefully…

Anyway today is the first day of CNY...

So I would like to wish all my friends happy new year and all the best J

Fighting to myself you can do it J

Love you all my friend <3

Hope to meet you all soon 

I love 2011

2011 is really a important year for me..

I know lots of new friends on that year which are important to me because they accompany me in my hardest time…

I know da jie, er jie, san jie, adik, uncle you qian, bro, kor, uncle andi and uncle long…

They all treat me really good, always help me and consult me whenever I feel lost…

In this year I also finally learn what love is….

Thank you my friend J

No matter what you treat me as right now,

I will still treat you as my friend…

I travel the first time in my life to the other country…

Behind this traveling trip there are lot of thing which had happens,

I don’t want to mention it anymore just let it remain as a mystery…

I will never ever going to forget the experience and memorizes during this trip….

I will never ever going to forget you all my dear friends J  

And I finally graduated in this year …

I am going to start my working life…

I am going to start a new life….without you all…

You all keep encourage me and tell me that I can do it I can make it but I don’t know I can or not….

Is because you all I able to have motivation…

I able to be stronger and braver…

Now I have to learn all this by my own…I know I should learn by my own but I just can’t bear to leave you all L

I wish we always will be together…

I really really wish that we can still keep in touch after this…

I hope we can be friend until all of us already old…

This is really one of my New Year wish…

Can we do that my friends?

I love 2011 because I learn a lot, gain a lot and also experience a lot…

I love Thailand <3

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To: er jie <3

Er jie you know sometime you say word that really hurt me but I know this is true friend…

Always tell me the truth…

And I wanted to tell you that…

Do you know actually I really love you like I love him?

I don’t say it out is because I don’t simply say love to anyone….

I didn’t even say I love him I only tell him I like him….

I don’t like to share you with anyone…

That’s why I don’t like to go out with you if it not just me and you..

You can scold me selfish or what but I really don’t like…

I am really glad to know you this year…

You already become one of my most important people in my life…

I want to thank you for everything…

If it without you and adik I don’t think I can make it thru this time…

You all might scold me silly or stupid but what to do? This is me…

Stupid me that’s why I always miss the opportunities L

This year you are going back to your hometown I really don’t know when we can meet again…

But I will promise that I will try all my best to stay strong and become braver and I also want to proof you wrong…

I will really go to china and Indonesia just because of you all…I will really go to find you, adik, uncle you qian and long they all…I will keep this promise…

I will and must do that…I don’t want you all to forget me L

Popiah xie I tiger oil…pls tiger oil me too and don’t forget me :’(

And I miss you

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To: adik J

Thank you adik…

We are really a pair of funny friend..

We don’t like each other maybe even hate each other at the first time when we know each other…

But somehow we suddenly become close friend?  hahaha

Maybe to you I am not your close friend but I already treat you as my close friend…

You are one of the friends I trusted the most…

I tell you everything ask you everything….

I just want to thanks you for advising me for everything…

Thank you for hearing me bugging beside you…

Thank you letting me has a chance to make fun of you and disturb you…

Thank you for being my friend…

There are lots of thing I want to thanks you really thank you adik J

We had created lots of memorizes which I will nvr forget…pls don’t forget me ok?

I know I might not be the perfect friend but still don’t forget me…

You going back to your hometown already and might not come back anymore …

I always find you and er jie when I have any troubles but now you 2 going back already I feel so empty…

Adik I will bless you and hope you have a bright future and also able to fulfill your dream…

Take care and have a good one ok?

I really hope to see in future J

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I don’t like 2012…it tear me and my friends apart L

All my friends I miss you all…

You all must promise me that we will always keep in touch ok?

Love you all <3

Shall we meet up in another 10 years?

Or maybe 5 years?  Hehe can’t wait to see what we all will become when we turn old…

Don’t go away, I still can’t bear to leave you all :’( 

Weird me

What kind of feeling is this?

I am confused….

I thought you might come that’s why the reason I choose the venue and because of this venue many of them can’t come…

But in the end you never come and the reason is a bit funny?

I never expect they will call you…you never pick up anyway and the message you reply is really a bit ridiculous…

Forget about it?

Finally I realize how “important” I am in your heart…

I always make you as my priority no matter what happen I always think of you first but you? Forget? Did you ever really treat me as friend?

I am really confused because of you…

If you really don’t like me that much then why you treat me so good in Thailand?

Why you treat me, look after me, take care of me like you really care about me?

But once you get back here you treat me like a strangers..  

You can comment with a girl which is not close with you know nothing about you but you can ignore me as if I am a transparent person…

Are you changing into the other person or this is just your real personality?

I really thought you will be different L

Am I over thinking again? Am I misunderstanding you?

I really don’t know… I am confuse L

 I don’t know how to explain the feeling right now…

Feeling disappointed, hating you or am I really giving up? Or is some other funny feeling?

I really have many different kinds of feeling after I know you…all the feelings I never felt before…

I still thinking about you sometime but…I don’t know…

I am just getting weird…..

It is the last gathering before you going back and you never come…

I hope to see you and say good bye to you but you don’t give me the chance…

But I somehow can forgive you…

Because I know you are saying good bye to your house mate…

You staying with them for more than 10 years and now you are leaving and not coming back…

I feel like crying after I thought of this…

How am I supposed to do after leaving all these friends which accompany me for more than 10 years…

They are already like my brothers, families….

Aren’t I am weird?

I am sad and disappointed when you said you forget about it yet I am still forgiving you because you are saying good bye to your friends?

I say you are changing into another person but after I sort everything in my mind I think you are not?

See, this is the so called “confused”  K

Never mind I think I am slowly changing my attitude and feeling towards you?

I am not sure…just hope that we can keep in touch as a friend…

Seriously this is my only hope now J

Anyway I am still not happy because you replied her comment and not mine and one more thing can you please be selective a bit when you confirm your friend request in facebook?

Even though I have no right to care about that but still got A BIT pissed when I see that…

Shit I seriously need to stop care about that…

We are chingu…Jo a chingu J

Take care chingu, hope to see you in future J

Let go

After struggling for 6 mths finally is time for me to let it go.. 

I love you but I know you don’t..

I done whatever I can but it doesn’t seem working..

I tried to improved myself but it seem there are still a lot more to go..

Finally you are going back and we don’t even know when will be the next meeting..

I cried on the moment when you tell me that you are going back and not coming back here anymore..

I cried because I know I will miss you and I also know that you won’t miss me at all..

How unfair could it be..but I know this is love..

I have no regret on doing this..really no regret at all…

Thank you adik..because of you I finally realise and finally willing to let go..

What you said really ring the bell in my mind..

I am really happy to know you all…I am glad that I able to know you all in my life..and I am also thankful that you all allowed me to go in your life..

I really hope that we will not be apart..

No matter is adik, my jiejies, my friends and you..

You taught me a lot..thank you so much...

I don’t hope that much now…my only hope right now is that we still able to be friend..

Pls don’t ignore me when you get back..i really hope that we can keep in touch..

I really wanted to be your friend..

i want to attend your wedding, I want to see your baby, I want to go your hometown..

I wish that we can be friend until we already old..

I hope when we already old we can still joke ard with each other and said..

“eh you once love me right?”

And I will able to say..

“yea, so sad we cant be lover but it still good to be friend right?”

This is really what I hope..i really don’t want to lose friend like you..

Let me say it one last time…

I love you my dear friend, but I will stop it on that day when you go back..

We are still friend right? J